Friday, July 9, 2010

The Little Crushes We Get

So, since I am not allowing myself to fixate on SSgt Blue Eyes, my mind wanders and gets a little crush on one of the guys in my self-employment class. He's intelligent, a social activist, and I think he has a girlfriend. I'll call him IdealistGuy.

Even if he didn't have a girlfriend he would be the wrong guy for me. Better than SSgt Blue Eyes, but still not a good fit.

Then there's HomeTownGuy. This is a man I've had a crush on since high school. Whom I don't think about until I'm in a 1 km radius of him. He never crosses my mind unless I'm visiting or living in MediumSizedTown. He's a hockey player, he was popular, and he tends to date women at least 10 years younger than he.

I'm convinced that we've always had a mutual attraction for each other. But maybe I'm wrong. I think that he has always been under the impression that I wanted to 'date' him. Which I haven't. We have nothing in common. I am physically attracted to him and all I wanted was to have a fling with him to get him out of my system. But I've never had the balls to tell him that.

The thing with HomeTownGuy is that he lacks character, and that has become more and more apparent to me as the years have past. I think he is the type of guy that can never go against the grain. And I can't respect that. So my attraction to him has diminished cerebrally, and as I'm a woman, that has made an impact on my lust for him. The lust is not totally gone, but mostly. There's some lust memory left. Years and years of attraction doesn't disappear overnight. Unfortunately.

So, at the moment, it's safe to fantasize about IdealistGuy.

What I do wonder about myself is why I need to focus on a man at all. I have agreed to be celibate for the next little while. Which hasn't been hard. I have not been with anyone in that way since October of 2008. So it shouldn't be that hard to continue. I may even forget what it's like.

Why do I focus on men? I don't know. I should be perfectly happy on my own. And most of the time, I am . Except when I'm not....

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